How to Talk to a Loved One with a Secret Addiction
Step 1: Decide to Talk When both you and your loved one are in an anxiety-free environment. This is not the moment to have a discussion. Your loved one should be calm, centered and open.
Step 2: Establish Clear Boundaries Give your loved one an idea of what to expect. You are not looking for a “yes or no” response. Explain that you want to talk about the most important aspects of their addiction—and they will have a say in the discussion, but you must be the one to initiate the conversation.
Step 3: Listen to Their Side of the Story Be prepared and willing to hear their point-of-view. You are not there to judge, but to help. No one uses drugs and/or alcohol to cause harm to themselves or others. Issues around abuse, for example, can be complex.
Step 4: Set Boundaries for them Your loved one has proven that he or she does not have control over his or her addiction—at least at the present time. By offering some boundaries, you can offer them a chance to regain control—a chance to succeed.
Step 5: Understand Your Role as a Non-Addicted Counselor/Support Person Now is not the time to talk about drugs and alcohol. Consider what kind of role you would like to take on in your loved one’s life, and how best you can support them. Do not put your loved one in the position where they feel they need to say they are “fine” or “ok”—but rather accept their nonverbal cues that they want help.
Step 6: Avoid Making This a Bragging Session of What They Would Do If They Were Addicted Acknowledging that you would not want to be in the situation is a great place to start. Explain that you would understand if they felt the same way about being in their addiction.
Step 7: Get Curious and Confident Again, avoid the desire to judge. True compassion will elude you if you are not curious about your loved one’s addiction, their background and even their current situation. By forming these undifferentiated responses, you will be able to immediately begin a conversation with your loved one and focus on their needs.
Step 8: Insert Yourself into Their Sub-Narratives In the future, you might have to walk away from a conversation if you feel it is becoming too negative. It may also be helpful to try and reframe the conversation around more positive events in your loved one’s life, and acknowledge the same in theirs.
Step 9: Take Time Out Deep breaths… With a support person, take some time-outs from the conversation to reflect on you, your loved one and your intervention goals.
Step 10: Avoid Comparisons Incorporate mutual friends into the conversation, be it cousins, siblings or brothers-in-law. Talking about others outside the setting of your loved one’s addiction might help that person feel more positive. Give examples of how others had felt when they were in those situations.
